I think that Mother’s Day and the December holidays are the two toughest times for anyone going through infertility. The only good thing about Mother’s Day is that it is for one day only, and most people have some kind of mother to honor, which can take a bit of the edge off of not being a mother yourself.
But Thanksgiving through New Year’s is a long time to be exposed to all that joy and festivity, much of which is focused on kids. Or family gatherings which feature kids. Or friends’ parties. Which include kids. Or spiritual and religious gatherings which focus on the baby Jesus. Sadly, the season has lost a lot of its emphasis on the religious aspect and focuses more on the toys than on the spiritual. Many church services focus on children, and may also focus on the miracle of the conception and birth of Jesus. This can be a common issue with Christmas Eve and Christmas morning services. So going to your place of worship instead of being a place of shelter and comfort can sometimes be a source of pain.
It is hard to feel celebratory when you feel so uncertain about your future, when your hopes soar each month, only to be disappointed two weeks later.
Many people who are experiencing infertility use Christmas as a marker of time, so that you might be feeling, “here is yet another Christmas and we don’t have a baby” or “that makes X number of years we have been going through this”. If some number is going through your head, remind yourself that this is normal, and perhaps recognize the strength you have to keep on trying. Most people who don’t conceive easily never even see a doctor so if you are actually in treatment, it means you are working hard and pushing yourself in this journey. You need to appreciate what you are willing to put yourself through to become a parent since most people simply give up.
Finally, you are probably getting countless holiday cards which feature pictures of babies and children from your friends and family. Which means that opening the mail can be a daily source of distress.
Many of our patients talk about how lonely, isolated and angry they feel during December.
Although December is traditionally the time to find the perfect gift for everyone on your list, instead think of this month as the perfect time of giving yourself the gift of self-nurturance. Use infertility as an excuse to really think about what you want and need, not in terms of material objects, but what you are thirsty for in terms of what your body and soul crave.
Try to find new meaning in your faith, by perhaps volunteering to help those less fortunate. Go to soup kitchens or homeless shelters to offer your time.
If your families make you crazy on Christmas, there is no rule which says that you have to go. You can either suddenly come down with a stomach bug, simply announce that you will miss the tearing open of gifts but will be there for dinner, or head off for a few days at a B&B.
Try something crazy-go to one of those restaurants where you have to eat with your hands, run barefoot in the snow, or eat ice cream sundaes for dinner.
There is no rule which says you have to actually open holiday cards, or attend parties. Live your life for you. At least for now.
You need to remember that if you are feeling sad or anxious during this season, it is completely normal and don’t let anyone tell you that it is bad or weird for you to feel upset.
Think about what you need, make those needs known to your loved ones, and figure out what will make this season as tolerable or even enjoyable as you can.
ABOUT ALICE DOMAR, PhD
Alice D. Domar, PhD is a pioneer in the application of mind/body medicine to men’s and women’s health issues. She not only established the first Mind/Body Center for Women’s Health, but also conducts ongoing ground-breaking research in the field. Her research focuses on the relationship between stress and different women’s health conditions, and creating innovative programs to help women decrease physical and psychological symptoms.
Dr. Domar received her M.A. and Ph.D. in Health Psychology from Albert Einstein College of Medicine/Ferkauf School of Professional Psychology of Yeshiva University. Her post-doctoral training was at Beth Israel Hospital, Deaconess Hospital, and Children’s Hospital, all in Boston.
She has conducted research on infertility, breast cancer, menopausal symptoms, ovarian cancer, and premenstrual syndrome. Dr. Domar has earned an international reputation as one of the country’s top women’s health experts.
She is currently the Executive Director of the Domar Center for Mind/Body Health, and the Director of Mind/Body Services at Boston IVF. She is an assistant professor of Obstetrics, Gynecology, and Reproductive Biology at Harvard Medical School, and a senior staff psychologist at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center.
Dr. Domar has compiled an impressive list of accomplishments as a best-selling author, media authority and sought-after public speaker. She is the author of numerous books, on the advisory board for Parents Magazine, Health Magazine, Conceive Magazine, and Resolve, and on the Board of Experts for LLuminari. Two of her books have been finalists for the Books for a Better Life Award. She was also the Series Editor for a series of mind/body books by Harvard Medical Publications/Simon and Schuster. She is the narrator of the DVD’s “Stress and Relaxation Explained” and “Infertility Explained”, both of which won silver Telly Awards. Dr. Domar has appeared on the Today Show, Good Morning America, CBS This Morning, Dateline NBC, CNN, PBS, and the CBS and NBC Evening News, to name a few. She presents lectures and conducts workshops throughout the US and around the world and went on tour with Oprah in the spring of 2004 and 2005 with the LLuminari team. Dr. Domar was named to the prestigious list of 15 “Women to Watch in 2004” by Lifetime TV. Her newest book is “Be Happy Without Being Perfect” (Three Rivers Press, March, 2009) and she is currently working on a new book, co-authored with Dr. Susan Love, called “Live a Little” (Crown, December, 2009). She is also a featured expert on the new online social health network BeWell.com.